


Letters to you

by RyuuMW



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Werewolves, Angst and Feels, Artist Derek Hale, Artists, Drama & Romance, Eternal Sterek, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Growing Up, Idiots, Letters, M/M, Professor Stiles Stilinski, Slow Burn, Smut, mature - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-07 00:30:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyuuMW/pseuds/RyuuMW
Summary: ‘No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.’





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are a lot of things going on during this fanfiction.   
> It'll be a long one, not too long but more than 10 chapters.   
> It's fluffy as fuck and full of feelings.  
> I can't give you a lot of details because i'll spoil the fun. So go with the flow, read each chapter and the side notes and everything will be alright.  
> Major information: no one's a werewolf, everyone is human, AU story   
> Also i might change the titleeee but i was too excited and i've decided to start posting the first chapters.

_‘No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.’_

_‘No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.’_

_‘No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.’_

_‘No amount of guilt can change the past….’_

_‘No amount of guilt…’_

‘Derek? Derek?’ Isaac shakes his arm lightly, bringing him back to reality. Back from his thoughts… He kept repeating himself that line he heard from one of his fellow artist friends last night. That line hits him in his guts, in his childhood, in everything he owns. He sighs when he feels his best friend’s touch. What was he doing? Oh… He looks around. They’re on a bench outside one of his art galleries, having lunch.

‘Uhm… sorry, I…’ Derek begins to say, desperately wanting to explain himself again and again and…

‘Der… stop. You’re killing yourself.’ Isaac sounds pleading, and he never sounds like that, but when it comes to Derek, the ballet dancer has a soft spot for the painter and he cares about him more than he cares about himself. Isaac met Derek at one of the artists’ gatherings in New York, five years ago. He was invited to be a muse, a model for the painters’ theme ‘ballet in black and white’. Derek fell in love with Isaac’s body and he painted one of the most daunting and beautiful black and white portraits of Isaac, painting that even today has a great amount of success and recognition throughout the painters’ world. The painting in original is back at Derek’s apartment. They soon became inseparable and Isaac was the only good and close friend Derek has managed to make during those years. Then Erica showed up, a fierce woman, with a soul of fire and a job as artsy as their, she’s a professional body painter, they soon became a trio and they have a lot of projects together, but most of the times they are best friends… brothers… family.  Erica and Isaac are the only ones who see Derek’s struggles and how far from what media portraits him to be ‘a man of great taste with a highly developed sense of sarcasm and fun’ or ‘the painter who is himself art’, he is. Derek isn’t funny on purpose. Derek doesn’t consider himself art or any other thing. Derek is slowly degrading and both Isaac and Erica know and they keep on trying to pull the man out of his mental misery every single day. Derek feels bad for them, but they assure him that they won’t leave him and they will always try to help him. And Derek is grateful because almost 6 years have passed and they are still together and helping each other as many times as they can.  Like right now, in this moment where Derek is lost again in his thoughts.

Derek laughs dumbfounded at Isaac’ remark… he wishes he’d be that brave…. To kill himself… but…

‘Look, Derek… you should to that thing Erica and I told you about. Almost… what? 8 years have passed?’

‘Almost 10…’ Derek gulps.

‘Ten, right, so… don’t you think you suffered long enough? Don’t you feel like you should end this chapter already?’ Isaac talks steadily.

‘Isaac…’

‘Yeah, it’s complicated… but, let’s be honest, Derek… you keep clutching your hands so tight onto the past… and look how… fucking sad you are… excuse my unsophisticated language, but sometimes I want to punch your pretty face and wake you up.’ Isaac explains and Derek can’t help but smile because the way Isaac gets fired up is something worth watching and hearing.

‘As long as you don’t cut my hands… I’d gladly accept some fists in my face.’ Derek sarcastically answers and Isaac leans back, taking a deep breath in.

‘Seriously, go back home, relax, Erica and I will come tomorrow with food… and think. Think and do what we’ve been talking about. You need to confront the situation…’ Isaac says and he gets up. ‘God damn it, Derek… 10 years… it’s already too poetic, even for us, artists.’ Isaac finishes and waves as he starts walking away. Derek laughs nervously… He knows Isaac’s right… he knows it too well.

He gets back to his apartment. It’s already way past noon and he feels drowsy and tired. All morning he signed some freshly done paintings because he enjoys signing his works only after he finishes a bunch of them, then he got some business to be taken care of about his upcoming art gallery show. All of the talking and chatting with people got him drowned in tiredness. He takes a shower and then he takes his time to prepare a salad. He can’t eat much… he always has this problem. He is sure that if he didn’t have Erica and Isaac who always come to his place to eat together at least two times per week, he’d die. He forgets to eat and also he doesn’t feel hungry so he ends up drinking a lot of water and orange juice and sometimes eating some salad or weird snack bars. He finishes eating the salad and then he goes to his working desk. He has thought about this since one year ago when Erica and Isaac found him unconscious on the floor with one of his wrists bleeding. He tried. He tried to kill himself on 15th July last year. It was midnight, 15th to 16th and he did it, but he was too scared to finish the thing… he passed out and it was pure luck that his friends showed up. They weren’t supposed to visit him on 15th of July, but that night Isaac felt something’s off. They rushed to his apartment and that was the moment when they realized how severe the situation is, how bad Derek’s mental state is.  After Derek recovered, his friends had a serious talk to him. They knew everything about Derek’s background and this allowed them to take action.  Since that talk, Derek has this certain thought in the back of his head always… He needs closure. He tried ending his suffering by trying to kill himself, but he saw after all that it wasn’t that possible. So there’s only one thing left to do for his heart to be at ease… But he’s terrified because he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. He worries a lot. He worries and worries as he looks at the pencil in front of him then… something is resonating inside his brain suddenly.

_‘No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future.’_

_‘No amount of worrying can change the future…’_

_‘No amount of worrying…’_

He grabs the pencil and starts writing. And he keeps writing from this day on.


	2. 1st of March 2018

_1 st of March 2018_

Hello, Stiles… I don’t know if you remember me. A big part of me wants you… to remember, but the other part wants you to forget everything because I can’t stand knowing how painful it is. I can’t stand knowing you’re hurting… maybe… after all these years you don’t hurt anymore, but I know you too well. I hope I still know you.

I was afraid of keeping in touch with you, also… mom wouldn’t let anyone know our new address… I regretted everyday… I regretted I had to leave… that I had to leave when we grew together, when we grew closer to each other.

I missed you. I cried. I yelled. I know you were mad. I left without a warning, without a hug, without seeing your dimples and your moles for the last time.

Maybe we were too young. I didn’t understand well why we had to leave… I thought what was going on was normal, but it turned out it was far from being normal. We had to leave.

Night after night I felt like choking on air. I also prayed I’d choke… I was waking up crying. Imagine a 21 years old guy crying… The only way I was able to see you, to make you laugh, you to make me laugh, was in my dreams.

Every night I tried so hard to trace your features in my mind so I wouldn’t forget you. I’m sorry, Stiles. You can’t imagine… I know the chance of you writing back is close to 0, but I hope you do read this. I miss you… I’ve always been.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the letters Derek starts writing are all written traditionally and sent through mail. He's an artist after all, duh...


	3. 15th of March 2018

_15 th of March 2018_

Hello, Stiles. It’s me again. You didn’t write back and it’s more than understandable. But I’ll keep writing to you, now that I’ve started. I might annoy you. Perhaps you already moved on, you got over our… friendship and you found your peace, a lover… family? Perhaps… and it’s also understandable. I do hope you find all these things, as I said maybe you found them already and I’m just disturbing you, annoying you… but I can’t put down my pen.

Perhaps you’re wondering how I know that you’re still living there. I found out at the same time I found out that my father passed away. One of the many reasons that pushed me to write to you was his death. I feel safe writing to you. Maybe you don’t even read these, but I won’t stop writing. I hope you’re healthy, I hope you still run through the forest. I also hope you stopped being afraid of thunders. And… if you’re still afraid… I hope you found someone to hold you during those storms… during any kind of storms.

You surely grew up… 25 years, right? You grew up… I couldn’t help it… and I imagined you, how you might look now. Are you still smiling widely at puppies? Are your moles still in place? I’m sure you got more these past years. Perhaps you let your hair grow, or you just kept it in that buzz cut… you’d look good either way. I still can trace your features, but you know what I can’t do? I can’t imagine your voice. I miss your voice. I miss you, Stiles.

I’m so sorry for leaving you behind. I’m so sorry and I dare to hope that one day you’ll… you’ll forgive me. I’m sorry, Stiles.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	4. 28th of March 2018

_28 th of March 2018_

Hello, Stiles… It’s midnight and I’m writing this to you. I bought a new pen. My writing style is really ugly so I figured out I need to do something to make it more pleasing while reading.

It’s hard. I still wake up with teary eyes… I go to sleep crying sometimes. But most of the times, no one sees my sadness. You know, I blame myself for everything. I miss our talks. You were always listening to me and I loved how you told me that everything will be alright. Oddly enough even now, when I want to give up, your words hit me. Am I selfish? I hope I’m not. I don’t deserve such memories. The memories with you help me. But… they are also painful, I know you understand. But I deserve the pain, you know? And I embrace it too.

I hope you aren’t crying. I really hope. When you cry, there are thousands of stars shining into your wet eyes, but even if it’s beautiful, I still hope you don’t cry. I don’t know if I want you not to cry so no one can see the beauty inside them or if I want you to be happy and smiling always. I do want you to be happy. You can cry out of happiness too… just like how you did when you were 15 and I gave you that little puppy as a gift. That moment… I always carry it within because you cried out of happiness and its beauty was overwhelming… Am I being weird? Talking to you like this? There are things I’ve never told you before, but I’ve thought of them. Perhaps I should’ve told you… perhaps…

P.S.: I’m sorry and I’ll always be.

         I can live with the pain if I know you well and happy.

         I’m sorry, Stiles.

         Miss you a lot…

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	5. 15th of April 2018

_15 th of April 2018_

Hello, Stiles. It’s been a while since I wrote to you last time. I was gone for a few days, working on field… a lot of projects, but my mind was always thinking of you, if you read those letters. I write these on impulse, without checking them twice. I want you to read my thoughts raw. You might think I’m dumb, stupid… a loser, you might think I feel weird always writing without receiving an answer. But I’m not. My heart tells me you read these. I hope my heart’s right.

A few days ago there was this child I got to talk to on my work trip. He was cute, talked fast and stumbled on his feet a lot. He reminded me of you… you were cuter though… He asked me whom I was drawing. I smiled back at him and showed him some sketches. He said you are beautiful. I agreed with him. This might be weird, but I don’t actually know how you look now, but those sketches portray you when you were little. I told you I kept tracing your features every night in my mind. Then I started to put them on paper because I felt I’d lose them. So I did it.

How are you, Stiles? Did you eat properly? Do you still like corn on the cob? I still do… a lot.

P.S.: I am sorry I’ve put you through hell. I am so sorry, Stiles.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	6. 30th of April 2018

_30 th of April 2018_

Stiles… I miss you. A lot.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	7. 15th of May 2018

_15 th of May 2018_

I’m sorry. So sorry. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve me annoying you. This is not my intention. It wasn’t my intention. I didn’t want to leave. Stiles, I didn’t want to leave. No matter how much the beating hurt, I didn’t want to leave. Every time he beat me, it felt like a blessing… because I got to sneak out and run to your house, in your room. I got to be hugged by you, to hear your calming voice,, even though you were panicked too.

You’ve been such a good friend, for me perhaps even more… Stiles, I’m deeply sorry. Perhaps you’ve blamed yourself for my behavior. Perhaps you learnt to stop blaming yourself and start blaming me instead. It’s good. You don’t deserve to struggle with others’ sins or troubles.

Do you remember…. My 20th birthday? We ran to the tree house. You said you have a surprise for your “very best friend” but you didn’t expect what happened. You didn’t think I’d give you something. It was my birthday after all. You were trembling and I hugged you. You had a panic attack due to trying so hard. You calmed down and we sat on the wooden floor. Your hands were still shaking and you pulled out something from your pocket. You handed it to me. I took it. You stammered, trying to explain that it wasn’t much and that I deserved better for my 20th birthday. But I had you with me there for my 20th birthday, which was the best I told you. You smiled. I smiled back and looked at the present. I was overwhelmed and then there were my hands which were shaking as I took out a small box from my pocket and handed it to you. Do you still have it?

P.S.: I do.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	8. 30th of May 2018

_30 th of May 2018_

Hello, Stiles… There are way too many things I urge to tell you. So many… but when I sit down, at my desk… it’s hard. Because all of them are rushing through my brain and I seem to fall into them, drowning. There are things that should be whispered into your ear and there are things I should scream them from the top of my lungs. And they are all for you to hear.

You used to say you want to become a teacher so that way you could teach the kids in a way you wanted the teachers to teach you. I always thought you’d be a great teacher, even a professor. I hope you became one. Which makes me curious… what subject you’d teach… See, Stiles? When you don’t write back I get to make assumptions. Some of them might be wrong… I’ll never know, but still… there are some things I’ll never get wrong.

I miss you like hell.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	9. 5th of June 2018

_5 th of June 2018_

It’s night again, Stiles. I hope you’re not suffering. I look up at the sky. So many stars, but not as many as your eyes have.

I’m really sorry, Stiles.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	10. 15th of June 2018

_15 th of June 2018_

Do you think of me, Stiles?

Do you imagine how I’ve  changed these past ten years?

Do you remember everything we did together since we were old enough to remember?

Do you think I’m taller than you? Are you taller than me?

Do you think… of me?

I do think of you.

Do you miss me?

I do miss you.

I’m sorry.

_Sincerely,_

_Your Hale_


	11. 15th of July 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is the last letter, from now on we'll have normal chapters.  
> Also i am deeply sorry for the bad digital art, lately i can't draw properly so i just drew this fast because i needed it.  
> I usually draw traditionally, but i do draw digitally time to time.  
> I hope you wont hate it too much!  
> Enjoy!

 

_15 th of July 2018_

Hello, Stiles. Right now, my heart’s racing so hard. My heart is beating way too fast. Every year, on this day, I tried sending you something. I tried but ended up crying. And sometimes worse… this will be my last one. Ten letters… ten years. Ten years of sadness and tears. But every year, on this particular day, I dare to smile and eat a piece of cake, even though my tears are always getting in my way. I’m happy on this day and I’m grateful and thankful.

You were born to change lives, to touch and heal wounds, to love, to smile, to teach… you taught me a lot. My heart’s aching right now. I wish you all the best in this world. I wish you to smile every day, to sing as you used to, to dance, to enjoy everything. Be selfish.  Grow. Be yourself as you always have been, stubborn, intelligent, sarcastic, and beautiful inside out.

I… I wished I was selfish. I wished I’d let you know what I felt, what I feel. I sleep with doubts and ‘what ifs’ and I wake up with more. I wonder how your fingers feel on mine. I wonder how my fingers feel caressing your hair. I wonder how our hugs would feel now, our cheeks lightly brushing onto each other. I wonder how wide your shoulders are. I wonder if I can mark each and every skin mole you have. I’d count them forever. I keep wondering… if you miss me like I miss you. If it burns you from within as it burns me, if it keeps you awake at night, if it kills you as it kills me slowly.

I’ve found a picture of the two of us. Together as we promised to stay forever. I didn’t send it to you. But I painted it.

Happy birthday, my… Stiles.

I’ll be sorry until the day I die.

I love you.

 

_Sincerely,_

_For the last time,_

_Your one and only_

_“Very best friend”_

_Derek_ __

 


	12. Chapter 12

 Derek sends the last letter and heads back to his apartment. It’s too hot outside to think properly. As soon as he enters through the door tears start falling down his cheeks. He doesn’t bother to take off his shoes and he collapses on the couch, crying as hard as he can. He is lucky his neighbors aren’t around; otherwise they’d be calling the cops.  Hours pass and it’s evening. He gets up, all sweaty and with puffy eyes. He scratches his beard and then he goes to search for his glasses. Then he takes the phone and calls Isaac.

‘Derek… is something wrong?’ Isaac immediately answers; worry in his voice can be sensed. Derek never calls them on this particular day. Isaac panicked when he saw Derek’s name on the screen.

‘I’m… I did it… the last one…’ Derek says between sobs. He starts crying again.

‘Ok, I’ll be there in 10.’ Isaac hurries. Derek nods then he realizes Isaac can’t see him.

‘Ok…’ Derek manages to say and Isaac hangs up only after he hears Derek’s ‘ok’.

Isaac calls Erica and then he drives to her place to pick her up. They buy some drinks and rush to Derek’s apartment. They wanted to buy some food too on their way, but they decided on ordering when they arrive at Derek.

They are in front of Derek’s apartment and they don’t even knock, they enter, as the door is unlocked. Erica takes a few seconds to lock it after them.

‘Derek?’ Isaac asks, voice down, as he walks towards Derek’s bedroom, Erica follows him.

‘There you are, big boy.’ Erica peaks over Isaac’s shoulder, seeing Derek lying on his huge bed, hugging his pillow. He smiles faintly and then tears form again. Erica and Isaac just jump right onto him like two puppies and they cover Derek with their limbs, all over. They wrestle the huge man for a bit then they settle on each of Derek’s sides, heads on Derek’s chest.

‘You know we love you, big boy, right?’ Erica says, making circles with her fingers onto Derek’s chest.

‘And that means you have us no matter what.’ Isaac continues while snuggling closer to Derek.  The man ruffles their hair.

‘I know…’ He finally sighs. ‘And honestly… I’d be dead without you.’ He whispers. And all three of them know the implications of this specific sentence. Because yes, Derek would have been dead without them.

‘Wow… Der bear… when did you eat last time?’ Isaac exclaims as he hears Derek’s stomach growling. Derek laughs for the first time.

‘I…’ He started to say then Erica barges in.

‘Not salads again… I hate those damn goat things you put in them and on top of that you can’t live with those, baby…’ Erica whines as her fingers start to slowly caress Derek’s bearded neck.

‘On the other hand…’ Isaac frowns as he feels Derek’s muscles. ‘I still don’t get it. You eat shit and yet… you’re so big…’ Isaac says in awe. Derek sighs defeated and laughs. They all laugh then they manage to get up, now sitting on the bed. Erica is trying to catch her hair in a loose bun while Isaac gets up and starts searching through Derek’s wardrobe, taking some shorts and a shirt out. He starts taking his clothes off and then he puts Derek’s clothes on, making himself comfortable. Erica is in her house clothes. She was cleaning around when Isaac picked her up.

‘Ok, we need to order some food.’ Isaac stretches himself and grabs Derek’s phone and throws it into Derek’s lap.

‘What do we want to eat?’ Erica asks, finally finishing catching her hair in a messy bun.

‘You guys can order what you feel like eating; I’m having whatever you are. But… without cake, ok?’ Derek pleads embarrassingly.

‘Of course, Der bear.’ Isaac winks, trying to make himself look funny. It works because Derek lets his head down and chuckles.

They finally decide on ordering pizza and pastas from one of their favorite restaurants. Derek wants a salad too, but both Erica and Isaac shut him down by throwing pillows towards him.

‘You know… I really hoped he’d write back.’ Derek suddenly says, opening a can of coke and drinking it. They are sitting on the floor in the living room, they finished eating and now they’re just chatting. Erica and Isaac stay overnight.

‘Der…’ Erica whispers and she reaches out her hand and caresses Derek’s shoulder.

‘I know… maybe the address is wrong… or he simply moved on… or he already has his own family to take care of… there are so many possibilities.’ Derek says, more to convince himself rather than just chatting.

‘Look, you did it. You did what was the hardest part, ok? Yes, it took you ten years… but… it’s understandable, Derek… you’ve been an abused child, your mother was abused… that’s one big dramatic and traumatic background you carry… then… you had to move fast and you had to forget about everything you guys left behind, your house, your farm, your dad… your friends… Stiles… that’s another traumatic background added on the existent one… if you keep on blaming yourself for something you didn’t do… then I’m going to fight you. You’ve suffered enough these past ten years.’ Isaac explains and Erica nods approvingly.

‘Have you ever gotten mad on Stiles, baby?’ Erica asks.

‘Never… I didn’t have a reason.’ Derek affirms lightly. It’s true. He never blamed Stiles for anything.

‘But… why didn’t you ask yourself… why didn’t he contact you? Why didn’t he search to get in touch with you, all these years?’ Erica asks and Derek’s cheeks start burning.

‘Why would he? I left.’ Derek manages to come up with a sloppy answer.

‘Derek, I swear to God I want to fight you so badly right now, to drag you on this expensive carpet and to beat the hell out of you.’ Isaac breathes in and out.  Derek laughs.

‘Look, we don’t know what will happen after all these letters, ok?’ Erica says calmly.

‘Erica!! Don’t give him false expectations!’ Isaac yells.

‘I don’t! But we don’t know what will happen, like literally. How do you feel now, Derek?’ Erica asks.

‘I… it hurts like hell actually… I thought I’d feel relieved. But I feel… hopeless? But also… I think I’ll feel ok after some days…’ Derek sighs.

‘You don’t think that.’ Isaac sighs. Derek frowns and Erica looks at them dumbfounded.

‘What?’ Derek asks.

‘You won’t let him go that easily… but we’ll make you to. Now we allow ourselves to drag your ass out of this misery.’ Isaac explains. Derek frowns more. ‘You need to get your hands on something… on someone and that someone needs to get their hands on you, all over I mean.’ Erica laughs.

‘He wants you to go out and have sex.’ She says between laughs.

‘What? Isaac! I just can’t go out and find a stranger and bang…’ Derek exhales, blushing. The truth is… Derek did it once in a while, but not with strangers.

‘No, you idiot. We’re going out and we’re going to some club… or something I didn’t think that far yet!’ Isaac exclaims.

By the end of the night, Derek got convinced by Erica and Isaac to go out once in a while and try and flirt with others and have fun. Also Derek promised them that he won’t think of Stiles… that much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> General information:   
> Derek left the village when he was 21 years old.   
> Stiles was 16 years old when Derek left the village, along with his own mother.   
> Derek and Stiles’ fathers owned a huge farm together where they were raising sheep, cows, and horses and also they were growing vegetables and fruits that always ended up on the biggest markets.   
> Everything was ok, until Derek’s father became to act weird towards his mother and towards him, abusing both of them.   
> Stiles and Derek were always together since the day they were born. Of course there were other children in the village but they always ended up together during weekends and school nights and holidays. The only time they had to be separated was at school, as Derek was older than Stiles.   
> Derek follows his artistic side and he finishes art school and in the present time he’s a successful artist that holds painting galleries and small art parties where a lot of other known artists gather to talk and catch up, also he holds some workshops at different types of conventions over the year. He moved to his own apartment in New York, his mother lives close by him and he visits her during the weekends. He doesn’t have many close friends, just two fellow artists, Erica who is a professional body painter and Isaac who is a ballet dancer. They always have nights in, spending time together eating and talking and drinking. Sometimes they both crash at Derek’s apartment and they all sleep there. They are really close and Derek is thankful for them.


	13. Chapter 13

Days pass and it’s already the end of September. These past two months Derek did as he promised. He went out during the night, they danced a lot… Derek even organized a themed party into his apartment and they had a blast. Also he accepted some controversial projects, testing his limits, a thing that he forgot to do these past few years. Overall Derek grew and is growing; at least that’s what he shows off. But, despite of this, Derek never got laid, did he flirt? Yes, he did in fact. But nothing more. He always got back home alone. Did he stop thinking of Stiles? Well… he tried, but as the last summer storms hit the city during the night, Derek couldn’t help himself and thought about Stiles and his thunders fear and how they used to cuddle in Stiles’ room, under the blankets… oh, the warmth of their bodies, Derek was always thankful for that. He still remembers the last summer together. Stiles was sixteen, he was almost 21. They were running through the corn field, trying to catch some wild rabbits to pet and they ran far from the farm and their houses. Suddenly, it started pouring, at first there were just a few rain drops then it got bigger and lightings accompanied by thunders showed up. They got to crawl through the corn leaves and they hid themselves. Stiles moved closer to Derek… closer and closer, trembling, all wet, cheeks rosy like the most beautiful roses Derek had ever seen.  Derek wrapped his arm around Stiles’ body. They sat in silent, no one said a word. But Stiles raised his head a little and got closer. Derek thought he was dreaming. He couldn’t feel his wet body anymore. He couldn’t hear the thunders, he couldn’t see the lightings. He only felt the soft and wet lips of Stiles onto his wet cheek. It felt like a burn. The best burn Derek could feel. They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t get to talk about it because Derek had to leave soon, after that month.

Autumn is Derek’s favorite season. Not because of Halloween or any other thing, but for so many other reasons. He enjoys summer, but it’s always painful because his summers used to be fun and full of Stiles. For more than 18 years, his summers were spent next to Stiles, their shoulders brushing gently as they walked into the forest, through the corn field… he still enjoys summer even today as in he goes out with Erica and Isaac and they do funny activities together, but that doesn’t mean Derek doesn’t feel like shit when he arrives back home in the evening and memories start hitting him hard in his chest. Derek enjoys winter too, but it’s still painful because for more than 18 years, Derek’s winter breaks were filled with Stiles, each day he’d see the boy’s red cheeks and his red nose and his smiling face when they’d build a lot of snowmen… Derek enjoys spring too, but there’s a certain memory that sticks with him and gives him shivers always… Stiles almost drowned in the lake next to the forest, on a spring day. Derek saved him. Derek didn’t know how to swim, but he jumped right in and he grabbed Stiles’ shivering body and dragged him with all his strength out of the cold water. Stiles got himself in that situation due to his… angel like aura, Derek thinks. Stiles, the little Stiles, Stiles from 10 years ago, would do anything to save everyone, anyone, any living thing… he’d always help everyone and he never said a thing about it. That was what happened that day too. There was this small beaver trying to get out but he looked so lost and struggling and Stiles thought he was drowning for sure and he just jumped it. Stiles knew how to swim, but he doesn’t know how the hell he ended up swallowing more than a few mouthful of water and he found himself dizzy.

Derek loves autumn. Derek loves baking pumpkins and he loves making coffee in the morning and pouring it in his favorite mug. He loves waking up early and sniffing the cold air. He loves looking at leaves falling down the ground. He loves doing shopping and buying weird things like way too long scarfs and way too useless kitchen utensils. He loves cooking more than any other time, he loves painting more… and autumn is less painful than any other season, but that’s not because his memories aren’t filled with Stiles… but those memories, every single memory about autumn that has Stiles in it, is perfect and it fills him with so much warmth, even though sometimes he gets way too nostalgic and he cries himself to sleep. He feels better during autumn season. He tries hard. Because Stiles loves autumn too. Stiles loved autumn the best. Derek isn’t sure if Stiles from now still loves autumn. He dares to think that Stiles still loves it.

Derek’s birthday is in October. He never makes a fuss over his birthday. That’s why he has Erica and Isaac who always but always come over to his apartment and they bring so many presents and food and cake and sometimes they even go out to some restaurant or club, it all depends on their mood and Derek loves to take care of his friends, as in… if Erica or Isaac doesn’t feel like doing something, Derek won’t do that. They listen to each other and maybe that’s one of the many more things that help their friendship to last for so long. 

This year though… Derek feels weird. There have been almost three months since he did the letter thing with Stiles… he tried to forget about it, but he couldn’t. Also he feels that this year, his birthday will be different… He wants to stay home and do nothing. He wants to sleep more than usual and he wants to be alone. He talked to Erica and Isaac about this and Isaac freaked out. Derek explained to them that he doesn’t plan on killing himself. He just wants to redecorate his apartment and change things around. He wants a fresh new start and he wants to become better. Erica calmed Isaac down and also she managed to seal a deal with Derek. They’ll let him alone for his birthday on 15th October, but next day, on 16th, they’ll be crashing to his place, period. Derek sighed and agreed.

 

Tomorrow is his birthday and he just got out from a meeting about his next art gallery show. It’s evening and foggy and he loves it. He plans on going to buy something to cook on his way back home. But firstly he stops by to pick up his mail from the post office. He does it and he shoves the letters inside his bag then he goes to the store and does the groceries. He gets back home late, around 8pm. He kicks off his shoes and walks straight to the kitchen to put the bags on the table.

He changes into something comfortable and then he grabs the letters and starts opening them as he sits on the couch. There are a lot of them, most are reviews of his previous shows, one of them is from an old lady friend, a few of them are bills and then… he’s left with only one, different, way too different than the others. The envelope is a pastel purple and Derek loves the soft color. There isn’t a painting of his that doesn’t have purple in it. On the envelope it’s nothing written but his name and address. The sender is anonymous and also her or his address too. Derek smiles and he thinks this is a letter from one of his admirers. He has a lot of those and receiving a letter like this is something not so unusual. He opens it and there it is. Plain hand written text. Something that he wasn’t actually expecting it. He starts reading it and he stops abruptly. His fingers feel warm and he feels dizzy. He feels like someone hit him in his head and he can swear he feels the taste of blood inside his mouth. He lies down on his back a little, eyes closed, his whole body shaking. He tries to breathe regularly, but he fails miserably. He wants to cry and yell, but all he can do is breathe unevenly. He doesn’t know for how long he lies like that… but soon enough he feels tears falling down his cheeks. He lets the letter fall on the floor and he turns on one side, sobbing. And he sobs… and sobs… and minutes pass and hours… and he falls asleep crying, forgetting about the food, the groceries, forgetting about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have another weird chapter.   
> I rushed this a bit and i also dont feel way too good.   
> I'm sorry for any mistakes, there are a lot.  
> More chapters to come, bear with me!   
> Enjoy.


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